Hella American: Our obsession with America needs CDC Guidelines, proceed with caution
America is in a bad romance with one-note narratives.
The United States of America has mastered the art of seeing things as either this or that—there is no room for a middle ground. And I say this as the polite and peaceful little ‘Canadian’ sister who quietly judges her older sibling’s bad decisions but still wants to see them win.
The national mindset is either success or failure, innocent or guilty, Black or White. Americans are so busy guzzling their own heavily sugared Kool-Aid that they can’t see the forest for the trees—only a forest fire.
Social media users criticized the advert for “erasing” black fathers | The Guardian
Take the Heinz pasta sauce billboard, for example. They thought they were selling family-sized sauce to celebrate modern family dynamics but sparked outrage online for perpetuating stereotypes, while simultaneously down the pond ‘Heniz Smiles’ another advert, some were calling it “borderline Blackface.”
Heinz apologizes and pulls ad with imagery reminiscent of blackface | Ad Age
One billboard, and suddenly, we’re spiraling into a full-blown culture war about pasta. This is how America works: the Black & White, all-or-nothing lens kicks in, and we’re either in the realm of “innocent marketing” or “offensive racial caricature.”
No room for thoughtful discussion, just outrage or defence.
Then, there’s Donald Trump, who can’t seem to deliver a speech without using a city as his political punching bag. He declared that if Big VP Kamala Harris becomes president, the "whole country will end up like Detroit." Ah, yes—the classic scare tactic of associating Black leadership with urban decay. The irony? Detroit has seen significant revival, but Trump's comment shows how deeply ingrained this false narrative is: Detroit equals failure, especially when led by a Black politician.
There’s no middle ground—just an all-out spiral into doom if the "wrong" person takes the wheel. Whadupdoe?!
In these examples, Heinz’s ads and Trump’s rhetoric are only symptoms that feed into a larger issue: the American lens is reductive, oversimplified, and can’t handle complexity. It’s all either/or, Black or White. Americans are so deeply entrenched in this binary worldview that they can’t see the nuances of the real world. It’s not just a forest—they see the flames, fueling fear where there could be understanding.
There needs to be some sort of guide for us (including our American sibling) to navigate these counterintuitive dynamics of identity, race, and culture. I think I have just the resource…
The CDC Guidelines for How to Navigate the American Experience
Issued by: Cultural Disease Control (CDC)
1. Symptoms of Americanism
Watch for signs of the following:
Extreme Patriotism: Think giant flags, military flyovers at football games, and the intense belief that America invented everything from freedom to Basketball (they didn’t). Expect to hear “We’re #1!” on a regular basis, despite glaring evidence to the contrary. And if you want to see case studies, watch 90 Day Fiance, The Other Way.
Individualism Fever: The “I did it all by myself” self-made syndrome completely ignores centuries of systemic inequality, inherited wealth, and privilege. But hey, self-made Kardashians are the new American fairytales.
Gun Culture Obsession: You might think it's wild that people carry weapons casually, and a politicians' solution to minimize school shootings is to arm teachers, but in America, it’s as normal as ordering a venti soy latte. You’ll find out fast that debating gun control is like shouting into a tornado.
2. Transmission of Coded Language
Key Phrases You Might Encounter:
“Good Neighborhood” / “Bad Neighborhood”: You might think this is about crime rates or safety. Nope. It’s a subtle cue for racial and economic segregation. Translation: “Good” means predominantly caucasian and expensive, while “bad” means where everyone else lives.
“Urban”: Congratulations! You've stumbled upon the safest racial euphemism in America—add newly included entries “woke” and “DEI.” It's code for anything associated with Black culture, but don’t worry—it’s used liberally (pun intended).
“Melting Pot” Myth: America likes to claim everyone is welcome to the land of freedom, but let’s be honest, some folks melt a lot easier than others. Spoiler: The “pot” often melts certain cultures away, leaving you with something a lot less flavorful.
3. Quarantine Zones
Protecting Yourself from Cultural Shocks:
Media Bubbles: It's best to choose a channel and stick to it—either swim in the Fox News or MSNBC pool but never both at once. Jumping between them may cause dizziness, whiplash, and a complete loss of reality.
Gentrification Spread: Keep an eye out for avocado toast and overpriced coffee shops popping up in “up-and-coming” areas (translation: poor neighborhoods being devoured by rich hipsters). Warning: Side effects include rising rent and the erasure of local culture.
4. Safety Guidelines
How to Interact with Authorities and the Public:
Dealing with Law Enforcement: Best advice? Know your rights—but also know that rights are sometimes, um, “flexible” depending on your skin color. It’s a choose-your-own-adventure game, but the stakes are life and death.
Understanding Race Relations: America believe it’s post-racial “We had a Black president—we’re progressive,” but only in God we trust. The country’s Black and White lenses has permanent tunnel vision. Don’t be fooled—in 2024, we’re still counting firsts, i.e. “The first Black _______” insert profession or achievement here.
5. Avoid Exposure to Toxic Ideologies
Be on the lookout for the following hazards:
The American Dream Virus: While America loves to tell you that anyone can make it big, the ladder to success is often missing a few rungs for certain folks. Even though many Americans themselves can’t expat their way out of there fast enough, the dream’s shiny allure is strong—just pull yourself up by your bootstraps!
Political Polarization: Here, politics is more than just policy—it’s identity. Liberal or Conservative. Democratic or Rebpulican. Choose quickly, and in the words of our sovereign advisor, Tiffany “New York” Pollard, “Do you know you have 30 minutes?” Spoiler: Your values, beliefs, and even moral standing are on the line.
6. Localized Variants
Regional Precautions to Take Depending on Your Location:
California & New York: Bright lights, big city dreams, and rent prices that would make you wanna weep. But hey, you’ll probably get 10k Instagram followers just by living there. Welcome to hustle culture, friend.
The South: Y’all might think you’ve travelled back in time with all the Confederate nostalgia, but it’s not a theme park—it’s very real. Proceed with caution when driving through “sundown towns” that signal deeper racial divides.
The Midwest: The “heartland” has the Clark Kent small-town charm you’ve seen in movies, but don’t expect too much diversity there. It’s all cornfields, casseroles, and conservatives. But they are very polite about it.
Final Warning: Why the World Can't Quit America
Despite the hot mess, the global obsession with America is powerful. Why?
Hollywood and Celebrity Culture: Let’s face it—America has the glitz. The rest of the world can’t resist the Kardashians, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and Taylor Swift. America is the cultural blockbuster everyone wants a ticket to.
Marketing Magic: America is the king of selling dreams. The idea that you could make it here (even if you struggle) is enough to get people on a boat. It’s the most effective marketing campaign in human history—and more addictive than TikTok.
Tech, Trends, and Twitter (X) Wars: Whether you’re on Instagram, Twitter (X), or TikTok, American culture shapes global conversations. It’s a hella American digital world, and we’re all just co-existing in it.
Your experience will vary dramatically depending on race, location, and socio-economic status. Proceed with caution.
Signed your friendly northern American,
Don’t Believe the Hype.
THE GREATEST MARKETING CAMPAIGN to ever exist: make the general population believe skin color is tied to the content of one’s character. Click for the playbook.
Racist as F*ck: A convicted felon running for president. My pitch for a Black Mirror episode →
👋🏾 Soooo…collective illusion is public enemy number one—Don’t Believe The Hype. Every week, we’ll say the quiet parts out loud (in your inbox). So we can cancel or co-sign marketing or market trends and discern pop culture gems from flops together. And start making sense of the nonsense online.